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cosycottage
17-01-2012, 10:24 PM
A man walks into a toy store. "Good morning, do you have a scale model kit of a luxury cruise ship?"

"Yes indeed," says the shop owner.

"That's great." The man replies. "Can you put it to one side for me?"





....


NB please send your outraged pm's to me direct to avoid cluttering up the forum.

Cyber Ted
18-01-2012, 02:07 AM
Groan, ....Oh dearie me. :)

CT

jayjay
18-01-2012, 05:37 PM
Yeah that one definitely gets a few raised eyebrows!:eek::D

That skipper thought he was Cap'n Bligh, didn't he!?:eek::confused:

cosycottage
18-01-2012, 06:45 PM
Yeah, I have a very dark sense of humour... but it wasn't my joke - someone else posted it on the football forum.

I remember doing a Ghost Walk around Bath years ago and the guide told a story about one hotel/ballroom during the second world war: a bomb fell on the house opposite and all the guests looked out the window to watch the fire... only for another bomb to fall on them.

I burst out laughing.

Sad to say, it was a rather uncomfortable tour for the next ten minutes... well, for some of the others.... I think I realised then that I probably had a very black sense of humour... but anyway shit happens, we all end up dying of a lack of oxygen to the brain one way or another.

It's just a ride.... or a cruise, in some cases.

But yeah, what a fucking dick! "Woohoo! Look at me!" crunch "Oh shit!" *immediately forgets about women and children first* <get back on that ship and help the passengers!> "Umm.. .well, it's very dark.... and anyway, the coastguard are here now!"

What a fucktard :mad:

Cyber Ted
18-01-2012, 08:27 PM
Don't worry you're not the only one. Many years in the army tends to lead to the development of a fairly blackish sense of humour. The only surprise is how long it takes for the jokes to appear.

What a fucktard
Yep, and now he claims he fell into the lifeboat while directing rescue efforts.

"Ooopsaa, I slipped, oh well I'ma here anow, might as wella directa de rescue froma de safea shore then"

In your best Allo, Allo Captain Bertorelli (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://sharetv.org/images/allo_allo_uk/cast/large/captain_alberto_bertorelli.jpg&imgrefurl=http://sharetv.org/shows/allo_allo_uk/cast/captain_alberto_bertorelli&h=300&w=225&sz=46&tbnid=JlDzaJ78j7_FeM:&tbnh=111&tbnw=83&prev=/search%3Fq%3DCaptain%2BAlberto%2BBertorelli%26tbm% 3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=Captain+Alberto+Bertorelli&docid=9A_L8GSczGSWBM&sa=X&ei=mRwXT4e4IcG48gO5rYDZAg&ved=0CDQQ9QEwAg&dur=4695) voice. :D

CT

cosycottage
18-01-2012, 11:09 PM
Yep, and now he claims he fell into the lifeboat while directing rescue efforts.


Is that like being caught with the neighbour's wife on the kitchen floor and claiming you both slipped on the tiles and fell into that position? :rolleyes:

Cyber Ted
19-01-2012, 12:38 AM
Is that like being caught with the neighbour's wife on the kitchen floor and claiming you both slipped on the tiles and fell into that position? :rolleyes:

Is there a story there you want to tell us about ?

Did you get away with it ? :)

CT

Wulfie
19-01-2012, 12:49 AM
Is there a story there you want to tell us about ?

Did you get away with it ? :)

CT

I was afraid to ask :D

cosycottage
19-01-2012, 01:41 AM
LOL - I knew I should have put "apparently"! :rolleyes: :D


Anyway, truth be told, it happened in the garden....

"Ere! What you fink you're doin'?!!!"

"Ummm.... giving your wife's bush a trim?"

:p

jayjay
19-01-2012, 07:04 PM
Cosy, you'd make a great script writer for the carry on movies!:p:D:);)

cosycottage
07-03-2013, 02:42 PM
Don't forget Comic Relief this year!

Donating just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend!

Karrot
07-03-2013, 04:00 PM
Carry on up the Cottage


Karrot

Wulfie
07-03-2013, 05:20 PM
Don't forget Comic Relief this year!

Donating just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend!

:21:21

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?


Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, bad taste :o

cosycottage
07-03-2013, 06:49 PM
Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, bad taste :o

Say what you will about Oscar Pistorius, but at least he made sure his girlfriend got flowers on Valentine's Day.

http://www.pasoti.co.uk/talk/images/smilies/getmecoat.gif

...

Wulfie
30-03-2013, 11:30 PM
"I love you," I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub.

"When I get back, I'm going to bury my head in your pussy,"

"Three things, Shaun," she replied.
"1 - You've got the wrong number,
2 - this is your mother and
3 - the last time your face was in my pussy was 40 years ago and I shit on your head.
Goodnight.

revoL annaerB
30-03-2013, 11:57 PM
:21:sick:D

Karrot
30-03-2013, 11:58 PM
:21:21:21:21:21

Karrot

Dongo
31-03-2013, 12:10 AM
Don't forget Comic Relief this year!

Donating just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend!

Didn't you know all intruders take a shower! :wall

revoL annaerB
31-03-2013, 12:57 AM
My mate said, "I like your car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

Ursa_Major
31-03-2013, 12:58 AM
:21 :24

cosycottage
18-04-2013, 10:04 PM
A man went to see his doctor for a routine check up.

Halfway through, the doctor looked up - a worried look on his face - and said: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating for the foreseeable future."

The patient gasped, his face turning white: "Why? What's wrong?"

The doctor simply shook his head sadly and replied: "I can't check your prostate properly while you're giving it the five finger shuffle."

Samurai
16-08-2013, 07:55 PM
I went to a dance club on Friday
They played the twist
I did the twist
They played jump
I jumped
They played the limbo
I did the limbo
They played come on Eileen
I got arrested

cosycottage
06-12-2013, 06:59 PM
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home early from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, and the end of our marriage! I'm done! I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, dear!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a worried frown. "I told you there must be a simple explanation:

She didn't get your e-mail!"

Cyber Ted
06-12-2013, 07:26 PM
:24

Welcome back Cosy. :tu

CT

Wulfie
06-12-2013, 08:13 PM
:wtf Bout time you showed up, we're seriously overdue the ending of Eliza's story :twisted: and Revs taken over nicking the medals :no:

Karrot
06-12-2013, 08:44 PM
:24:24 nice one Cosy.

Welcome back mate :tu

karrot

Ursa_Major
07-12-2013, 12:53 AM
That was a good 'un. :24

Nice to see you back Cosy.

cosycottage
11-12-2013, 02:07 PM
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside ...

He says in a weak voice “There is something I must confess.”

"Hush now.” said the wife, “There is nothing to confess. Everything is all right."

“No.” the husband replied. “I must die in peace.... I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!”

“I know darling,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes...”

dollman2
11-12-2013, 03:15 PM
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside ...

He says in a weak voice “There is something I must confess.”

"Hush now.” said the wife, “There is nothing to confess. Everything is all right."

“No.” the husband replied. “I must die in peace.... I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!”

“I know darling,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes...”



:24 that great :tu

Karrot
11-12-2013, 06:25 PM
http://meanderingvoice.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/facepalm_picard_1-500x328.jpg


Karrot

Dongo
11-12-2013, 11:42 PM
Love the blog - well worth looking at.:tu

Wulfie
22-12-2013, 07:06 PM
A Little Christmas Story:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds
of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree
for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.


5PwYKvMzAg8

Karrot
22-12-2013, 09:24 PM
:24:24:24:24


Karrot

Cyber Ted
22-12-2013, 10:11 PM
:24

I reckon that might've happened to a few of my wishlists over the years. :eek:

CT

dollman2
22-12-2013, 10:17 PM
So thats were the tradition started:D

Ursa_Major
23-12-2013, 12:40 AM
:24:24:21:21

cosycottage
23-12-2013, 02:28 PM
A married couple in their mid 60s were quietly celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary - along with the husband's retirement - in their local restaurant, when suddenly a tiny-yet-beautiful fairy appeared on their table in a puff of pixie dust.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for loving each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I can think of nothing better than to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

'Done!' The fairy fluttered her wings, waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for a cruise around the world appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but I've worked hard all my life and an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed - but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 95 years old.

Ursa_Major
23-12-2013, 09:25 PM
Nice one Cosy. :24

And the moral of this story is: If you do have a wish, be very careful how you phrase it or you may be disappointed.

Cyber Ted
23-12-2013, 10:27 PM
Nice one Cosy. :24

And the moral of this story is: If you do have a wish, be very careful how you phrase it or you may be disappointed.

The moral of this story is: Remember that most Wish Fairies are female. :slaphead

:D

CT

Karrot
23-12-2013, 10:43 PM
A dejected man walks in to a bar with a stork and a cat.

He sits and orders a pint with disappointment dripping from every word.
The stork protein shake.
The cat asks, "Whats free?"

"Well", says the barkeep, " there's tap water"

"One of them then", says the cat.

The Stork downs its shake, pats the bloke on the shoulder and jogs out the bar and off up the street saying it would be back later.

At this the bloke breaks down.

"Whats the problem, guv?", Asks the barkeep.

"Well", says the bloke between sobs. "I met a fairy, and she granted me a wish"

"That cant be a bad thing", replies the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"

The bloke sniffs and replies " A fit bird with a tight pussy"


Karrot

Cyber Ted
23-12-2013, 11:00 PM
You having auto-correct problems again Mr K? :21

Stalk

http://www.infovisual.info/01/img_en/053%20Vegetables%20-%20stalk.jpg


Stork

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ctVLYmpnOO0/UBO_3L1O80I/AAAAAAAAH1M/AoTgLjTg0FY/s1600/stork-12-1033.jpg


Butter

http://www.unilever.co.uk/Images/450---Stork_Spread_1kg_tcm28-297546.jpg

:21

CT

Karrot
23-12-2013, 11:06 PM
You having auto-correct problems again Mr K? :21

Stalk

http://www.infovisual.info/01/img_en/053%20Vegetables%20-%20stalk.jpg


Stork

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ctVLYmpnOO0/UBO_3L1O80I/AAAAAAAAH1M/AoTgLjTg0FY/s1600/stork-12-1033.jpg


Butter

http://www.unilever.co.uk/Images/450---Stork_Spread_1kg_tcm28-297546.jpg

:21

CT

Pedant :p

:24

Karrot

Cyber Ted
23-12-2013, 11:12 PM
Probably guilty, as charged. :o :p

CT

Dongo
23-12-2013, 11:29 PM
Sorry I can't tell the difference between the second and third photograph!:whistle:

revoL annaerB
25-12-2013, 08:25 PM
Not really a joke but well worth watching, Gordon Ramsey at his finest:21:21:21

I swear I nearly peed a little watching this...

ZIesCd4I4hU

Wulfie
09-06-2014, 01:41 PM
:21 Missed that one Rev, brilliant.

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/funny-pictures-automtexting-fap-bus-373273.jpeg

revoL annaerB
09-06-2014, 04:15 PM
:24 :24 :24 :24

Love it!

Reminds me of a school trip, just a couple of years ago:p, and there was some noise at the back of the coach, suddenly almost everyone was crammed to one side of the coach coz apparently a bloke was knocking one out whilst overtaking us down the motorway:eek::D:eek: I can imagine the curiosity of the girls but I'm sure many of the 'watchers' were male:confused:

Ursa_Major
14-06-2014, 01:10 AM
Although doll related I feel this should go here.

If Ruby 13 made their smallest doll available with pixie ears would that make her an Elvish Presley? :D


http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif

Zang
14-06-2014, 03:03 AM
Hee hee! :happy I like that one, Ursa. Makes me wonder if the guys at Ruby13 have ever heard that one before...

Karrot
14-06-2014, 08:56 AM
Although doll related I feel this should go here.

If Ruby 13 made their smallest doll available with pixie ears would that make her an Elvish Presley? :D


http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif

http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/tumbleweed2.gif


That was bad! :21:21:21

philinotstine
14-06-2014, 09:30 AM
New prostitute opens her house in a Yorkshire town.
As a first week bargain she says you can get any service for just £5
if you name your request in just 3 words.
First client says "F**k me stupid"
so she complies.
Second punter is a bit kinky and requests "Beat me up"
so she does and he goes away bruised but happy.
Third customer is old-school Yorkie and demands,


"Paint my house."

Karrot
14-06-2014, 10:54 AM
:21:21

revoL annaerB
14-06-2014, 11:47 AM
:24 :24 :24

minato
15-06-2014, 07:17 AM
Excellent.... :21:21:21

philinotstine
15-06-2014, 08:55 AM
Yorkshireman takes his terrier to the free vets.
"I think he's swallowed a condom, doctor."
")h, dear, this could be very serious. Leave him with me and I'll take a look at him. I'll keep him in at least overnight."

Two hours later the vet gets a phonecall from the same Yorkshireman,
"Its ok the wife found another one in t' bedroom drawer."

revoL annaerB
15-06-2014, 09:33 AM
Oh dear god:21:D:D:21

Wulfie
15-06-2014, 09:39 AM
:21:21:21 Ursa, you're let off for the Elvish Presley one............:21

minato
15-06-2014, 06:00 PM
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.
"She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"

:whistle:

Incred1
15-06-2014, 07:07 PM
Although doll related I feel this should go here.

If Ruby 13 made their smallest doll available with pixie ears would that make her an Elvish Presley? :D


http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif

:24:24

I'll have to tell that to Myffy... Although she may not be pleased :D

http://incredidoll.com/gallery3/var/albums/Myfanwy/Masochist%20%2825b%29.jpg?m=1344822845

revoL annaerB
15-06-2014, 09:46 PM
Minato, there is only one thing I have to say...



:24 :24 :24

Karrot
15-06-2014, 10:03 PM
Two nuns were driving down the M1 to a convention in London
As they are driving Satan himself suddenly manifests in front of the car and jumps on the bonnet, screaming blasphemies and cursing the very lives of the nuns.

The nun driving turns to her companion and says 'Sister, quickly, show him your cross'

The other nun leans out the window and screams ' GET THE FUCK OFF OUR CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Karrot

revoL annaerB
15-06-2014, 10:20 PM
Heard it before but it's always a good un:D:tu




A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're arseholes!"

Ursa_Major
15-06-2014, 11:24 PM
Loving these jokes, keep 'em up. :24:24:24

:24:24

I'll have to tell that to Myffy... Although she may not be pleased :D

http://incredidoll.com/gallery3/var/albums/Myfanwy/Masochist%20%2825b%29.jpg?m=1344822845

Judging from her expression she wasn't amused.

Wulfie
30-08-2014, 09:13 PM
My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.

It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.


http://www.uklovedollforums.co.uk/forum/picture.php?pictureid=23392&albumid=1167&dl=1382886739&thumb=1




.

Wulfie
30-08-2014, 09:14 PM
My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.

It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.


http://www.uklovedollforums.co.uk/forum/picture.php?albumid=1167&pictureid=23392



.

dollman2
31-08-2014, 07:15 AM
My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.

It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.


http://www.uklovedollforums.co.uk/forum/picture.php?albumid=1167&pictureid=23392



.

:24:24 might have to try that when on a plane next :D