Today I went to Watford to make some shopping. It was a nice day, I was with my exWife and daughter. I was looking the odd girl on the road, registering details like hair, legs etc, whatever does it for me.
At some point we were in a clothes store. It was then I saw some lingery. No reason to explain what i started thinking. Buying things for her. I was soon looking on accessories, rings, hats, scarfs, sandals.
Then we went to a furnish store. I moved recently to the area and have yet no fully equiped my flat. I found my self testing a sofa and looking to my left where she will be.
No I am not expecting too much from her, because I do most alone. It is probably the writing thing, that when I walk, work, drive, shop, I imagine things happening. For me watching someone on the street is not just someone, it can be a whole story, with colors, tears, laughs, milion of parametres and complications.
My life is a constant scenario. I talk to people and while one part of my brain comunicate with them, another is formin a comepletly alternative reality at the same time, with dialogues, actions and most of the time comepletly different results.
It is for my a gate the twilight zone, where horrible realities are explained through an optimistic fantasy. (this is paraphrased of someting Stephen King said once).
Dear Kats012, There is nothing to excpect in my world where my doll will live, becasue there I am the creator and God. I was always detouched from the real world, I was always giving rather than taking and that croosified me.
Let me tell you how I feel thinking of the first night with my doll. Shy.
I will treat her as I did any other woman I met, I never planed anyting on the first night we slept together and mostly I wanted to hug and sleep with them. Yes there were occasions that fucking prevailed on the first date also. But my doll will be respected above all pushy I ate.
I will have a nice dinner, watch a nice film from the real movies I admire (Thiking of Bela Tarr's Damnation, see picture at the end of this post) and we will share my (our) favorite single malt Whisky, Cardhu.
She will be a phiscal existance of the voice in my head. The weight on that had beem applied many years ago, I would say since I can remeber my self.
I know it may not make sense to most people, maybe it does to people of this forum, but this is the best way to put it.
My doll, my Iphigenia, will be the ticket to be safely living in my world. Kind of Lucid dreaming without dreaming.
The following picture is from my favorite Director, Bela Tarr, movie Damnation.
