Mr Wulf's Tale

[Cyber Ted]

OK Boys and Girls

Sit down, grab a seat and I'll tell you all a story.

Are you all sitting comfortably?

Then I'll begin.

[Cyber Ted]

Once upon a time there was a very modest, happy smiley, Mr Wulf who lived in the land of the best doll lover's forum in the whole wide world. Mr Wulf was a popular and prolific poster on his favourite forum, he was there nearly all of the time except when he had to go away on one of his 'trips'. Mr Wulf was very good at supporting other forum members' threads and could always be relied upon to post an encouraging remark or two, or three, or maybe even four if it was a rainy day.

One of Mr Wulf's favourite tricks was to hide in Granny's bed and wait for naughty scammers or spammers to try to trick their way into Mr Wulf's favourite forum. He would catch them and bash them with his ban stick and then gobble them all up and use their bones to clean his big Wulfie teeth. Every day one of his dollies from the lair would take Mr Wulf a treat in a basket while he waited for the naughty scammers and spammers. One day it was Juliet's turn to visit Mr Wulf in Granny's house.

Juliet opened Granny's door and saw Mr Wulf leering expectantly from under Granny's sheets, "my, what big boobs you have" said Mr Wulf, who hadn't read the script, so got it the wrong way round. Juliet deciding to play along said "all the better to squish you with, Mr Wulf". Juliet stepped up to the bed and pulled back the sheet, paused and said, "oooh my what a big ........post count you have, Mr Wulf". "Ehh?" Said Mr Wulf, taken by surprise. Juliet looked again and said "it's huge, why it's very nearly as big as Mr Gibbmodoll's' .....and his is the biggest in the land." "Oh look, it's growing, soon it will be bigger than Mr Gibbmodoll's"

"Oh no" said Mr Wulf "I don't want it to be bigger than Mr Gibbmodoll's, his has always been the biggest in the land". "What shall we do" cried Mr Wulf, beginning to worry that he'd be banished for having grown his post count bigger than any in the land. "I know" said Juliet, "I passed Mr Ted on my way here, he was out in the woods with his axe, we'll get him to come and cut some off for you, then yours won't grow to be the biggest in the land" "Good idea" said Mr Wulf "but you better hurry, go quickly, it's still growing." "Okay, but stop eating those beans while I'm gone" said Juliet

Juliet ran from Granny's house out into the forest, she ran and ran, and ran and ran, in and out and up and down the dark forest tracks to the place where she'd last seen Mr Ted with his axe, she didn't want poor Mr Wulf's post count to grow too big and have him banished, although she secretly didn't think that would happen, she'd heard of bigger post counts in other lands and Mr Gibbmodoll didn't seem bothered whether his was the biggest in this land anyway.

Juliet found Mr Ted in a clearing, sitting by a tree, sharpening his axe. "Quick Mr Ted, you must come and help Mr Wulf, his post count is growing so fast it will soon be the biggest in the land, even bigger than Mr Gibbmodoll's. You need to come and chop some off for him, quickly, and bring your axe" she added in case Mr Ted forgot. Mr Ted occasionally forgot things because his head was full of stuffing.

Juliet and Mr Ted set off back to Granny's house as fast as their legs would carry them, which was very fast in Juliet's case because she had lovely long legs but not quite so fast for Mr Ted, whose legs were a lot shorter. Soon Juliet and Mr Ted arrived at Granny's house and entered to find Mr Wulf still under the sheet checking his post count and worrying because it was still growing.

"Hurry Mr Ted" said Juliet, "cut some off quickly we don't have much time left." Mr Ted looked at Mr Wulf's post count which was indeed very large and getting larger. He eyed up his target, licked his thumb, checked the sharpness of his axe, which was now very, very sharp, and hefted the axe above his head, ready to swing. "WAIT" shouted Mr Wulf, "don't cut off too much, I don't want to be less than excellent" he added. Mr Ted pawsed for a moment, ..........his chin in his paw, then said "Right Mr Wulf, you hold one end, Juliet you hold the other and I'll judge just the right place to chop."

Mr Wulf, his big wulfie teeth gritted, his big wulfie eyes closed tight and his big wulfie butt clenched, held firmly to one end of his post count while Juliet pulled on the other end. Mr Ted hefted his axe again, measured the post count, closed one eye and then swung his axe with all his might.

Woooooosh, went the axe, as down it swung, chopppp went the blade, as it bit through Mr Wulf's post count and ploppp, ploppp went the post count as the two neatly chopped ends fell to the floor. Mr Wulf quickly checked his remaining post count and was happy that it was indeed still excellent. Juliet still grasping the other end, asked, "what shall we do with these" as she held up the severed posts. "Give them to Mr Ted" said Mr Wulf, "he can take them and hide them in the forest, no-one will ever know."

Mr Ted agreed to do this and packed the posts into a box which he tucked under his arm. He waved bye bye to Mr Wulf and Juliet and headed back out into the forest, the box under one arm and his axe over his shoulder. Mr Ted took the post box and hid it deep in the forest. Juliet stayed behind to console Mr Wulf and mend his now much smaller post count with some vinegar and brown paper from Granny's kitchen.

Many months passed and many posts were posted. Mr Wulf's post count was still growing but was not in danger of being the biggest in the land any more.
One day Mr Ted and Mr Sam were sitting in a clearing in the forest having a few bottles of Buckie, (Mr Sam's favourite tipple), when their conversation turned to the size of peoples post counts. Mr Ted told Mr Sam all about Mr Wulf's huge post count and that he still knew where the chopped posts were hidden. Mr Sam and Mr Ted continued with their Buckie for a while until it occurred to them that it would be a very good idea if they were to go and check if the post box was still there.

Mr Sam and Mr Ted set off stumbling and bouncing and bashing and bumping through the woods, their legs were very wobbly because that's what happens when you drink Buckie in the forest. On their wobbly way to the post box they bumped into Agnetha, who gave them both a slap for being so clumsy. She was on her way to Granny's, with a treat in a basket for Mr Wulf. Mr Sam explained what he and Mr Ted were doing, Agnetha rolled her eyes and decided it would be a good idea if she went along too.

Mr Sam and Mr Ted wibbled their wobbly way to the place where Mr Ted had hidden the post box. Agnetha helped them pull it from its hiding place as they seemed to be having some trouble coordinating their efforts. Mr Sam and Mr Ted carried the box to a great big tree stump where they set it down and stood back for a moment to consider what to do next. Agnetha shook her head, tutted and then stepped forward and opened the box.

She looked inside in amazement, Mr Sam and Mr Ted stepped forward and looked into the box too. Inside was a great big piece of Mr Wulf's post count. Agnetha said "that looks huge, Juliet never said it was this big. I saw the size of Mr Wulf's new post count the other day and if it was combined with this it would be the biggest in the land. Not only that" she added "it would now be so big that it would get an award and be worth lots of treasure, I heard of diamonds and everything." At the mention of treasure and diamonds Mr Sam's and Mr Ted's ears pricked up. "We had better put it back" said Mr Sam, intending to wink at Mr Ted but unfortunately the Buckie made him close both eyes.

When he stood back up he saw Agnetha pull the box from Mr Ted's grasp then march back over to the hiding place where she replaced the box. With a final "tut" and a shake of her long blonde hair she set off towards Granny's house and her appointment with Mr Wulf. Mr Sam and Mr Ted looked at each other and smiled, a plan was slowly hatching in their Buckfast befuddled heads.

"Right," said Ted, ......."Mr Wulf always has a nap after one of the girls has visited so we could sneak in, rejoin his post count and then grab all the treasure and diamonds as they appear. Nothing to it, easy peasy." Mr Sam thought for a minute then agreed but reckoned that as they would have to wait awhile they might as well have another bottle of Buckie.

Two bottles of Buckie later, Mr Sam and Mr Ted quietly(ish) approached Granny's house clutching the post box and a big bottle of glue which they'd pinched from Granny's shed. Mr Sam and Mr Ted crept into Granny's house where they saw Mr Wulf fast asleep on the bed, having used up all his energy getting his treat from Agnetha, who had now gone home to the lair.

Mr Sam lifted the sheet and he and Mr Ted looked down on the snoring Mr Wulf and his huge post count, "Wow," said Mr Ted "when we join this it will be enormous." "Quick" said Mr Sam "do it before he wakes up I don't like the look of those big teeth, he has." Mr Ted quickly lined up the two pieces of post count and, using the humpty technique, glued them, together again.

Mr Sam and Mr Ted stepped back and waited. They waited and waited, and waited and waited, but nothing happened. "It's that Agnetha again" said Mr Ted, "she's fooled us." "Or got her sums wrong more likely, she's blonde remember" added Mr Sam. "Hmpphhh" went both Mr Sam and Mr Ted whose dreams of treasure and gems were rapidly evaporating. "OK back to the forest" said Mr Sam, "I know where there's more Buckie."

As they left Granny's they silently closed the door behind them and wobbled back out into the forest. Maybe they should not have had the extra Buckie, or maybe they should not have been in such a hurry to leave, because if they had waited, and if they had been sober, they might just have noticed the little platinum badge on Mr Wulf's pyjamas change its shape and colour as it turned into a great big beautiful diamond.

The best in the land.

[Cyber Ted]

[Cyber Ted]

Thank you for Listening

and Good Night

[revoL annaerB]

Sooo, Mr Wulfie is the has the biggest one here. He'll be bragging in every room in the forum now. showing off his post count for all to see. and be envious of.

Congratulations, Mr Wulfie, on receiving your shiny new award. Well deserved even you do spew as much bilge as the rest of us. and congratulations on the most unique award story I have ever seen.

[Samurai]

An absolutely 1st class true story, told exactly how it happend by a true Jackanory story teller, in fact if CyberTed changed his Nick to Pinocchio is nose would reach all the way to Uranus, and thats exactly where my size 9's are going to go the next time i see him, No not Uranus, his anus.

Imagine thinking i drunk Buckfast.



Brilliant stuff CyberTed, that must have took sometime to write and come up with.

Gets the Samurai 5 thumbs Up's.

[Cyber Ted]

I had better explain some of the background to the fairy tale above.

Some time ago Wulfie asked me if it was possible to have a post count reduced without deleting the posts, I replied that it was indeed possible. Wulfie then modestly asked me to reduce his post count as he didn't want to overtake Gibbmodoll as highest poster.

This we did.

Some time later wise Mr Gibbmodoll, probably having seen what we'd done, posted a thread saying he didn't want people to stop posting or reduce their counts in fact he encouraged us all to post away.

Mr Wulfie left his as it was.

Sam and I have been watching Wulfie's count and recently realised that he had really just broken the 3000 mark. We decided this couldn't be left unchanged so added his posts back to his total.

Sam and I will be changing our names and leaving the country for a while, things should have calmed down by the meet

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in 2015.

CT

[Wulfie]

Annoyance very quickly evaporated as I trundled down the page and nearly laughed my postcount off. I have to take my hat off for such a brilliant story and feel a gotchas occurred.
Still, done now and my friends my thanks go out for it.


















Now to sit down and work out payback..................

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[Samurai]

I had nothing to do with it, It was him Mister it was his idea honest.

[Cyber Ted]